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gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You have to summon your inner elephant
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Randomize
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