There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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