I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
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Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
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You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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