Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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