This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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