Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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