Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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