nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
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Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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