Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
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I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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