you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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