just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
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I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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