I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
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Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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