I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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