Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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