I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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