I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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