do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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