My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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