we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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