I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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