happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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