Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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