Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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