why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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