I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
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I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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