we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
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Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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