Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
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EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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