Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize