i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize