he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
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Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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