Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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