walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
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Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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