We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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