how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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