You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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