Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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