Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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