I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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