what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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