chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
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this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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