Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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