I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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