i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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