i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
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I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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