I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
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Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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