i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
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well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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