o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
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I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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