Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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