You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
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I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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