I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
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I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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